i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
