And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
