So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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