my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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