How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
