I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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