I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
