areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
