Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
