When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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