I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
