First date: that requires underwear, huh?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Holy shit dude........stairs
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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