Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
