I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
