'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
