Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
operation have a gay friend backfired
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
