He is an equal opportunity slut.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
