whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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