my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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