I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
