There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
