I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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