he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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