but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
