my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
