I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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