just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
