I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
