Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
