I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
