Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
