I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
