sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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