I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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