I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
