Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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