Your tits are I can't wait for
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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