I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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