He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
