why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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