today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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