i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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