dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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