Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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