my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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