The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
