I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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