Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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