i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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