I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
